Big Love: The Gambia

Written on June 28th, 2010

A few weeks ago I was talking on the phone to someone from home about my host family and she exclaimed, "I never realized you have two host moms" implying that she didn't realize that I live in a polygamous family. So yes folks, I have two moms, Yaay Amie and Yaay Sarjo. Yaay Amie is Baay Waly's first wife and she has four kids. Yaay Sarjo is his second wife and she has five kids but Yaay Sarjo's oldest is probably around 15 so its safe to say that my family has been a big happy family for a while now and has thus had a while to figure out how to live harmoniously.

The fact that my friend hadn't realized that my family was polygamous caused me to consider how, if at all, my life here is affected by this fact. The answer is not a whole hell of a lot, which is probably why I never thought to mention it before. From afar, coming from an American cultural context, it was very difficult for me to imagine living in a polygamous family and furthermore to imagine that I would mostly have positive things to say about it.

First, polygamy is common in the Gambia. According to Islam a man can have up to four wives. Here, it seems to me, the norm is about two. In my village if a man has multiple wives he has two, I can think of some with three and only a handful who have four.

Husband and wife relations here are very different than in America. This is a conservative, patriarchal society so the women are the "work horses" of the family, they cook, clean, raise the children and farm on top of that. The men are responsible, in theory, for financially supporting the family and they are the decision makers. Men and women don't share the same house or bed here and as for sexual rights men hold all the cards.

Due to the women's role in the family polygamy can actually end up being a benefit because having a co-wife means splitting all the work. In my family Yaay Sarjo and Yaay Amie alternate cooking so they only have to cook every other day. If one of them has to do something the other person can pick up the slack. For example, right now Yaay Amie has gone to Senegal for a week to attend her younger sisters wedding/naming ceremony. This is only possible because Yaay Sarjo is still here. For now Yaay Amie is mostly the only one to enjoy this benefit of polygamy because Yaay Sarjo has a ten month old baby but as they get older I think they both will be able to start attending programs out of town. In other compounds this division of labor also holds true and in most compounds there is so much extended family living together that work is split between the multiple wives of multiple husbands.

I think its important to note that my positive view of polygamy, expressed here, mostly comes from the fact that my two moms get along really well. As time goes on I realize more and more what wonderful people Yaay Amie and Yaay Sarjo are. They are kind, considerate and powerful in their own unique ways. They get along because it seems that first, they are friends, second,they help each other and third, they have some groups of friends that are the same and some that are different so they're not constantly together. The other weekend Yaay Amie's friend in Kuntair had an engagement ceremony and Yaay Sarjo and I went with her and spent the day at the program. Because we were gone all day we brought the baby, Mam Goor, with us and throughout the day I was touched by how Yaay Amie made sure Yaay Sarjo was doing OK by helping with Mam Goor and keeping us all fed and full of attaya.

Now, though I think polygamy works well in my family, I am in no way jumping on the bandwagon. As I frequently say, when turning down marriage proposals from already married men, "If I only get to have one husband, my husband only gets to have one wife." My number one problem with polygamy is that it represents an overarching societal patriarchy. Women here are not equal to men and do not have very many personal freedoms. From the time they are girls they have very little agency in deciding how they live their lives or spend their time. The fact that most Gambian women lack these freedoms and human rights can be difficult for me to observe on a daily basis. But this shouldn't lead you to believe that Gambian women are weak, rather they are very strong and from my perspective its because they find contentment within their situation. If you're going to have a co-wife you might as well try to be friends with her and in that friendship something beautiful and powerful can be found.